January 30, 2015
Today started out very good. Peaches and yogurt for breakfast. Lunch was some crackers, PB and carrots, (I really need to go shopping, I know) and dinner was supposed to be grilled cheese, tomato soup and salad. Well, grilled cheese it was and only one and half sandwiches. I messed up, but I am still proud of my accomplishment on how much ate. I even gave up my coffee today. Did drink more orange juice than I should I have, but still..... I feel good at this. Hot coco this evening, a few marshmallows for a treat. Still not over doing it. Okay, so one good thing down.
But today, I am physically feeling defeated. I want to say I hate my life and yes, I guess, right now I do really hate they way my life has turned out. I can't do things like a normal bodied person can. I can't go to the movies and I can't go out to a restaurant. I physically am not able to do certain things. I want to walk, to take a walk with my husband, but I can't. Will I one day? I hope so, but that does not change now. It does not change that pain I feel in my knees when I try to get up to cook dinner, to do dishes, to take a shower...... pain stops me, my weight stops me. Pain sometimes so great, I cry out just getting up.
I lay in bed and cry sometimes at night. I lay there and say to myself "It is going to get better, Jenn. It will", yet everyday is such a struggle that I want to just stop trying. The pain is too much and I want to stop trying. It is a horrible feeling to be dependent on someone else to help you do certain things that you should be able to do. I depend on Ted to things he should not have to do for me, yet I know that I can't. WHY?? WHY?? Why did I do this to myself. Why did eat myself to almost death before waking up?
I am morbidly obese. What the hell kind of term is that to label on someone who already feels like they have hit rock bottom. MORBIDLY!! Like I'm gross to look at or something. And that is the looks I get when I go out. Looks of disgust and hate. So being home is where I feel safe. In my chair stuffing my face with food so that I can feel good for a few minutes. Now look at me. I am so physically out of shape that I can't even have a normal life.
Admitting I have no self control is not easy. It is not easy to say that I have no control when it comes to my emotions and food. Titus 2:12 teaches me that I need to deny the lusts of food and live a soberly life. And in Romans 12:1 God teaches me to give my body to Christ as a living and holy sacrifice. I learned these to verses this past weekend. And I need to apply them to my life. Everyday.
But there will be days when I feel defeated, like today. When the pain is so great and the feeling of being a failure are very overwhelming. I will cry and I will get angry, like I am now. I want to go eat, to make myself feel good for a bit. But I won't, so I am blogging this. I am sharing. I am reaching out.
I am crying, filled with fear at this moment that I will fail again. I need to rid myself of that. It will take time.
"It will get easier, Jenn, I promise".
Romans 12:22 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
January 29, 2014
Where does one start when her life has been one big bag of painful memories. Memories that have haunted me since I was little. Memories that I have suppressed or tried to forget about. So I will go back to where it all began.
I don't remember the first time I turned to food for comfort and love, but I know I was young. I was taught at a young age that food was the source of happiness. How? Well, when I fell down or when I cried I was usually given something to eat to make me happy. Taught that food could make you happy. Oh, I was loved by most of my family. My mom and grandad always gave me love and lots of hugs, but when I hurt, well that was different.
My sister died when I was 8 and my parents divorced two years later. All my brothers and sisters were married and my mom worked two jobs. Suddenly I was all alone. I was alone and sad. Ahhhhhh.... food. That will make me happy. And in some ways it did. But I was already an emotional eater, so when did it start? My dad was never around much. Broken promises, broken dreams. I remember some emotional abuse as well. His anger was so very scary. No, he never hit me, but he did throw a chair at me once. I loved my dad, but he hurt me. My heart was empty. Because of my Dads extra marital affairs, which everyone in our very small town knew about, I was teased and bullied in school. That started out when I was still in grade school. They soon forgot about my Dad and just kept teasing me. It got worse as I got older and in high school. I had friends, but nothing meaningful enough to call someone my "best friend". Yes, I went to sleepovers and had sleepovers, but I was still bullied. Worse the last couple of years of high school. So bad I tried to kill myself three times. And the whole time, my comfort was food. Food did not tease me, it did not bully me. It was always there and it never left me. Never broke a promise. But I did not know what I was doing to myself physically or emotionally. I only wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel love. Food became my best friend.
Diets. Tried them all. THEY DO NOT WORK!!!! Why? Because I had not resolved my past, my pain, my hurts. I never shared them. I kept them to me. Didn't want to hurt my mom. She was all I had really. So I ate more. The more I ate, the better I would feel for a time, the bigger I got, the more depressed I got, would eat some more, feel good again....... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... it was a vicious circle.
I needed more in my life. I became a Christian 18 years ago. But I was still on my emotional roller coaster. Why?? Wasn't I supposed to be healed in the name of Jesus? Well, yes, but only if I was willing to accept it. It took me 18 years to give my whole heart and whole body to Jesus. I need to take my whole past and lay it at his feet. I need to sort through the pain and take one day at a time. I need to let Jesus work on my heart and then I can work on my body.
This is the start. I know it won't be easy. I know I will struggle each day. I know I will cry, I fall, I will fail at times, but I will make it this time. Why will I make it this time? Because now I know what was missing, what is needed and what can be done. This is not a diet. This is a NEW LIFE..... learning to love who I am, come to terms with my broken past and bring myself into the light.
I can do this, I have friends and family who are cheering me on. But the one main thing I have is Jesus.... my life line, my hope, my heart.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless,
Jenn
