Today started out very good. Peaches and yogurt for breakfast. Lunch was some crackers, PB and carrots, (I really need to go shopping, I know) and dinner was supposed to be grilled cheese, tomato soup and salad. Well, grilled cheese it was and only one and half sandwiches. I messed up, but I am still proud of my accomplishment on how much ate. I even gave up my coffee today. Did drink more orange juice than I should I have, but still..... I feel good at this. Hot coco this evening, a few marshmallows for a treat. Still not over doing it. Okay, so one good thing down.
But today, I am physically feeling defeated. I want to say I hate my life and yes, I guess, right now I do really hate they way my life has turned out. I can't do things like a normal bodied person can. I can't go to the movies and I can't go out to a restaurant. I physically am not able to do certain things. I want to walk, to take a walk with my husband, but I can't. Will I one day? I hope so, but that does not change now. It does not change that pain I feel in my knees when I try to get up to cook dinner, to do dishes, to take a shower...... pain stops me, my weight stops me. Pain sometimes so great, I cry out just getting up.
I lay in bed and cry sometimes at night. I lay there and say to myself "It is going to get better, Jenn. It will", yet everyday is such a struggle that I want to just stop trying. The pain is too much and I want to stop trying. It is a horrible feeling to be dependent on someone else to help you do certain things that you should be able to do. I depend on Ted to things he should not have to do for me, yet I know that I can't. WHY?? WHY?? Why did I do this to myself. Why did eat myself to almost death before waking up?
I am morbidly obese. What the hell kind of term is that to label on someone who already feels like they have hit rock bottom. MORBIDLY!! Like I'm gross to look at or something. And that is the looks I get when I go out. Looks of disgust and hate. So being home is where I feel safe. In my chair stuffing my face with food so that I can feel good for a few minutes. Now look at me. I am so physically out of shape that I can't even have a normal life.
Admitting I have no self control is not easy. It is not easy to say that I have no control when it comes to my emotions and food. Titus 2:12 teaches me that I need to deny the lusts of food and live a soberly life. And in Romans 12:1 God teaches me to give my body to Christ as a living and holy sacrifice. I learned these to verses this past weekend. And I need to apply them to my life. Everyday.
But there will be days when I feel defeated, like today. When the pain is so great and the feeling of being a failure are very overwhelming. I will cry and I will get angry, like I am now. I want to go eat, to make myself feel good for a bit. But I won't, so I am blogging this. I am sharing. I am reaching out.
I am crying, filled with fear at this moment that I will fail again. I need to rid myself of that. It will take time.
"It will get easier, Jenn, I promise".
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