I Promise you, Ted...

"No more, it will never get easier. I hurt too much, I can't do this. God, please take me home, I don't want to live anymore, I hurt too much".
Yes, these are the words I uttered last night, along with putting myself down. I was struggling more than usual and hurting beyond words. My knee was screaming and I just wanted to give up. I wanted to quit. I almost did. Ted was trying to talk to me, I was inconsolable. I was just not ready to hear what he was saying. Eventually, I calmed down, but was still feeling worthless, stupid, ugly. I have no self esteem. I need to work on that, I know. But when you have been put down most of your life, you really do begin to believe what others think of you. My mom was the only one who who ever really cared enough to tell me I was beautiful or that I was special. Growing up was hard. Now when Ted tells me that I am special or beautiful, it is so hard to believe. And last night, it was a breaking point in my self esteem and my trust in Ted. Ted went to work, and I sat in my chair just feeling like I was not worth anymore effort. I really just wanted to die. I felt no one would miss me or care that I was gone. Who would miss the fat girl. I know I would not miss the pain. I just wanted to be feel good again. Do the things I used to do. I used to take my grocery cart on a bus go shopping, come home and pull my full cart up my steps. Yes, I did that. Now I can't. I miss those days when Ted and I could take buses or trains and do things together. I miss that. My heart breaks thinking of it. I feel like I have ruined Ted's life. That he deserves better. In fact I think I have convinced myself that Ted would be happier with out me. That he could be out doing things with someone else. Doing things I can't do. I love Ted so much. He is all I have, but yet I would give it all up so he could be happy. So last night, I let it all out and told him how I feel. What I was thinking and told he could be happier with out me. 
I was getting ready for bed, it was about 11:30 and the phone rang. Ted. He sounded sad and then he said the words that made such a difference. "Please don't give up, I need you". What?? He needed me? How? Why? I'm nobody special. "I love you, you are special, we take one day at a time. We can do this".  I started to cry. "Please, don't give up".  And so I promised him. I promised him that I would not give up and that I would keep going. I now know that I have much to live for and someone to live for. And that someone wants me to live for them. 
Today I looked at my cats and realized that they need me too. And I need them. I need to live, love and embrace life. I need to learn that I am special, but that will take some doing. 
So how do build my self esteem and feel better about who I am. I am taking this journey to improve my life, not just my body. So tell me, how to let o of the hurt and pain from a childhood that I want to forget?  I know one thing I need to do, I need to trust God more. But, quite honestly, I feel unworthy of His love. I am scared... I mean everyone I have ever loved has either left me or died. Why should I love anyone to get hurt more. Because love is worth it. Love is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for. 
Yes, Ted.... I promise you. I promise that I will not give up. I promise to see myself differently, but it will take time to myself as you see me. But I promise.....