I hate the term 'No Pain, No Gain'. What does that mean really? Hurt yourself to the point of giving up? Or worse, hurting yourself to point of the wrong kind of pain? What am I gaining then? Nothing. You see, I am in constant pain, so I can't tell sometimes when it is the right time to stop or how much further I can go, so I go until I feel like it is time to stop. And today I feel like I need to stop and take a break. I worked out twice this past week and Thursday I was in and out of a mini van several times and that takes a toll on my legs. Yes, getting in and out of car hurts. But also walking up my steps afterward is even more of a struggle. And then today, back onto a mini van and out and in and out again, then up my steps. Im done. My pain level is telling me that I need a break. Why am I sharing this, because this is my life. This is how I live, struggling every single day to just have a life. Once I am in my apartment, I am in my safe zone. I can sit in my chair and relax. But I know I can't sit there all day, I need to move and I need to do things, but for the next two days, I will not be pushing myself because I don't want to hurt myself either.
I feel good though. If I say walking up my steps today was a little easier for me then that is a good thing. But today I took a break on the cement steps before coming up the steps to my apartment. On Thursday I did not stop I pushed myself up all the steps without stopping. I was cold and it was cold outside so that was a motivation, but to know I could do it was something of an achievement on my part. But I am proud of myself because I see improvement in all I am doing physically. But it still hurts and I still struggle painfully to do anything. But it is a pinch better. Enough to show me that I am getting better and I can do this.
Went to a dinner tonight at our chapel. I was so proud of myself. I turned away my mashed potatoes and the rice and stuck to the meat and vegetables. AND when desert was served, I had one little spoon of ice cream and NO cake. Had coffee and water. I felt very good. I did not over do it and when I came home I had a cutie orange. I am not craving foods like I used to. Oh don't get me wrong, put it in front of me and I will devour it, but I'm not craving it. Not wanting to have chocolate or cookies or pizza like I did before. I still get my emotional bouts, I am sure for a long time I will, but it is getting a little more easier. I feel Jesus working on me and in me. I feel like a new person.
2 Corinthians 5:17 ~ "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creations; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Everyday is a struggle physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But today, it was just a tiny bit easier.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Sunday, February 1, 2015
A New Week; LET'S GO!!!
I never thought I would be blogging my weight loss journey. For that matter I never thought I would be telling the whole world I'm obese and I need a wheel chair to get around at times. But I can not and will not let fear control who or what I am anymore. I am learning to spread my wings and fly. My take off will be bumpy and I will probably crash, but once I am up there, I will soar. Isaiah 41:31 "But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They
shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary,They shall walk and not faint." I am getting stronger and today I showed myself how much.
Our driveway is a hill, not too steep, but enough that it can be a struggle to get up. So upon getting home, Ted got my wheel chair out and I got out of the van and and instead of waiting for Ted as he unlocked the doors and took up our bags, I pushed backwards, up this incline using all the muscle strength I had, up my driveway to the steps. Got out the chair and sat for a minute while Ted put the chair away and then continued up 7 cement steps to the first door and 13 steps to my apt door..... the best thing is I did not stop to really take a break, I kept going. You may not think that this is nothing, but for someone my size, it is a hurdle and defeat. I did that. I accomplished this. Hoping that soon I will be WALKING up my driveway. I will do that. I will.
My struggles are great and I my pain is great, but my God is stronger and He is my everlasting strength.
Ted has been exceptional in all of this. I am so Blessed to have him.
Well, I am ready for this week and all the challenges, struggles and even heartache it may bring. Each day will be a process of getting up and moving, but I know that I can and will do this.
My goals for this week is:
One~~to do four workouts this week
Two~~drink more water
Three~~spend more time with God
Four~~cut back on the PB (Im relying on it too much)
Five~~Go up and down my steps, just because I need too at least three times
So these are my goals and here is hoping that I can accomplish them or at least attempt them and no matter what I will be proud of what I did.
Dinner at my Chapel on Saturday.... need to get myself disciplined.
Onward and forward.
LOVE and HUGS!!!
shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary,They shall walk and not faint." I am getting stronger and today I showed myself how much.
Our driveway is a hill, not too steep, but enough that it can be a struggle to get up. So upon getting home, Ted got my wheel chair out and I got out of the van and and instead of waiting for Ted as he unlocked the doors and took up our bags, I pushed backwards, up this incline using all the muscle strength I had, up my driveway to the steps. Got out the chair and sat for a minute while Ted put the chair away and then continued up 7 cement steps to the first door and 13 steps to my apt door..... the best thing is I did not stop to really take a break, I kept going. You may not think that this is nothing, but for someone my size, it is a hurdle and defeat. I did that. I accomplished this. Hoping that soon I will be WALKING up my driveway. I will do that. I will.
My struggles are great and I my pain is great, but my God is stronger and He is my everlasting strength.
Ted has been exceptional in all of this. I am so Blessed to have him.
Well, I am ready for this week and all the challenges, struggles and even heartache it may bring. Each day will be a process of getting up and moving, but I know that I can and will do this.
My goals for this week is:
One~~to do four workouts this week
Two~~drink more water
Three~~spend more time with God
Four~~cut back on the PB (Im relying on it too much)
Five~~Go up and down my steps, just because I need too at least three times
So these are my goals and here is hoping that I can accomplish them or at least attempt them and no matter what I will be proud of what I did.
Dinner at my Chapel on Saturday.... need to get myself disciplined.
Onward and forward.
LOVE and HUGS!!!
Friday, January 30, 2015
Feelings of Defeat~~
January 30, 2015
Today started out very good. Peaches and yogurt for breakfast. Lunch was some crackers, PB and carrots, (I really need to go shopping, I know) and dinner was supposed to be grilled cheese, tomato soup and salad. Well, grilled cheese it was and only one and half sandwiches. I messed up, but I am still proud of my accomplishment on how much ate. I even gave up my coffee today. Did drink more orange juice than I should I have, but still..... I feel good at this. Hot coco this evening, a few marshmallows for a treat. Still not over doing it. Okay, so one good thing down.
But today, I am physically feeling defeated. I want to say I hate my life and yes, I guess, right now I do really hate they way my life has turned out. I can't do things like a normal bodied person can. I can't go to the movies and I can't go out to a restaurant. I physically am not able to do certain things. I want to walk, to take a walk with my husband, but I can't. Will I one day? I hope so, but that does not change now. It does not change that pain I feel in my knees when I try to get up to cook dinner, to do dishes, to take a shower...... pain stops me, my weight stops me. Pain sometimes so great, I cry out just getting up.
I lay in bed and cry sometimes at night. I lay there and say to myself "It is going to get better, Jenn. It will", yet everyday is such a struggle that I want to just stop trying. The pain is too much and I want to stop trying. It is a horrible feeling to be dependent on someone else to help you do certain things that you should be able to do. I depend on Ted to things he should not have to do for me, yet I know that I can't. WHY?? WHY?? Why did I do this to myself. Why did eat myself to almost death before waking up?
I am morbidly obese. What the hell kind of term is that to label on someone who already feels like they have hit rock bottom. MORBIDLY!! Like I'm gross to look at or something. And that is the looks I get when I go out. Looks of disgust and hate. So being home is where I feel safe. In my chair stuffing my face with food so that I can feel good for a few minutes. Now look at me. I am so physically out of shape that I can't even have a normal life.
Admitting I have no self control is not easy. It is not easy to say that I have no control when it comes to my emotions and food. Titus 2:12 teaches me that I need to deny the lusts of food and live a soberly life. And in Romans 12:1 God teaches me to give my body to Christ as a living and holy sacrifice. I learned these to verses this past weekend. And I need to apply them to my life. Everyday.
But there will be days when I feel defeated, like today. When the pain is so great and the feeling of being a failure are very overwhelming. I will cry and I will get angry, like I am now. I want to go eat, to make myself feel good for a bit. But I won't, so I am blogging this. I am sharing. I am reaching out.
I am crying, filled with fear at this moment that I will fail again. I need to rid myself of that. It will take time.
"It will get easier, Jenn, I promise".
Today started out very good. Peaches and yogurt for breakfast. Lunch was some crackers, PB and carrots, (I really need to go shopping, I know) and dinner was supposed to be grilled cheese, tomato soup and salad. Well, grilled cheese it was and only one and half sandwiches. I messed up, but I am still proud of my accomplishment on how much ate. I even gave up my coffee today. Did drink more orange juice than I should I have, but still..... I feel good at this. Hot coco this evening, a few marshmallows for a treat. Still not over doing it. Okay, so one good thing down.
But today, I am physically feeling defeated. I want to say I hate my life and yes, I guess, right now I do really hate they way my life has turned out. I can't do things like a normal bodied person can. I can't go to the movies and I can't go out to a restaurant. I physically am not able to do certain things. I want to walk, to take a walk with my husband, but I can't. Will I one day? I hope so, but that does not change now. It does not change that pain I feel in my knees when I try to get up to cook dinner, to do dishes, to take a shower...... pain stops me, my weight stops me. Pain sometimes so great, I cry out just getting up.
I lay in bed and cry sometimes at night. I lay there and say to myself "It is going to get better, Jenn. It will", yet everyday is such a struggle that I want to just stop trying. The pain is too much and I want to stop trying. It is a horrible feeling to be dependent on someone else to help you do certain things that you should be able to do. I depend on Ted to things he should not have to do for me, yet I know that I can't. WHY?? WHY?? Why did I do this to myself. Why did eat myself to almost death before waking up?
I am morbidly obese. What the hell kind of term is that to label on someone who already feels like they have hit rock bottom. MORBIDLY!! Like I'm gross to look at or something. And that is the looks I get when I go out. Looks of disgust and hate. So being home is where I feel safe. In my chair stuffing my face with food so that I can feel good for a few minutes. Now look at me. I am so physically out of shape that I can't even have a normal life.
Admitting I have no self control is not easy. It is not easy to say that I have no control when it comes to my emotions and food. Titus 2:12 teaches me that I need to deny the lusts of food and live a soberly life. And in Romans 12:1 God teaches me to give my body to Christ as a living and holy sacrifice. I learned these to verses this past weekend. And I need to apply them to my life. Everyday.
But there will be days when I feel defeated, like today. When the pain is so great and the feeling of being a failure are very overwhelming. I will cry and I will get angry, like I am now. I want to go eat, to make myself feel good for a bit. But I won't, so I am blogging this. I am sharing. I am reaching out.
I am crying, filled with fear at this moment that I will fail again. I need to rid myself of that. It will take time.
"It will get easier, Jenn, I promise".
Romans 12:22 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
The Start~~
January 29, 2014
Where does one start when her life has been one big bag of painful memories. Memories that have haunted me since I was little. Memories that I have suppressed or tried to forget about. So I will go back to where it all began.
I don't remember the first time I turned to food for comfort and love, but I know I was young. I was taught at a young age that food was the source of happiness. How? Well, when I fell down or when I cried I was usually given something to eat to make me happy. Taught that food could make you happy. Oh, I was loved by most of my family. My mom and grandad always gave me love and lots of hugs, but when I hurt, well that was different.
My sister died when I was 8 and my parents divorced two years later. All my brothers and sisters were married and my mom worked two jobs. Suddenly I was all alone. I was alone and sad. Ahhhhhh.... food. That will make me happy. And in some ways it did. But I was already an emotional eater, so when did it start? My dad was never around much. Broken promises, broken dreams. I remember some emotional abuse as well. His anger was so very scary. No, he never hit me, but he did throw a chair at me once. I loved my dad, but he hurt me. My heart was empty. Because of my Dads extra marital affairs, which everyone in our very small town knew about, I was teased and bullied in school. That started out when I was still in grade school. They soon forgot about my Dad and just kept teasing me. It got worse as I got older and in high school. I had friends, but nothing meaningful enough to call someone my "best friend". Yes, I went to sleepovers and had sleepovers, but I was still bullied. Worse the last couple of years of high school. So bad I tried to kill myself three times. And the whole time, my comfort was food. Food did not tease me, it did not bully me. It was always there and it never left me. Never broke a promise. But I did not know what I was doing to myself physically or emotionally. I only wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel love. Food became my best friend.
Diets. Tried them all. THEY DO NOT WORK!!!! Why? Because I had not resolved my past, my pain, my hurts. I never shared them. I kept them to me. Didn't want to hurt my mom. She was all I had really. So I ate more. The more I ate, the better I would feel for a time, the bigger I got, the more depressed I got, would eat some more, feel good again....... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... it was a vicious circle.
I needed more in my life. I became a Christian 18 years ago. But I was still on my emotional roller coaster. Why?? Wasn't I supposed to be healed in the name of Jesus? Well, yes, but only if I was willing to accept it. It took me 18 years to give my whole heart and whole body to Jesus. I need to take my whole past and lay it at his feet. I need to sort through the pain and take one day at a time. I need to let Jesus work on my heart and then I can work on my body.
This is the start. I know it won't be easy. I know I will struggle each day. I know I will cry, I fall, I will fail at times, but I will make it this time. Why will I make it this time? Because now I know what was missing, what is needed and what can be done. This is not a diet. This is a NEW LIFE..... learning to love who I am, come to terms with my broken past and bring myself into the light.
I can do this, I have friends and family who are cheering me on. But the one main thing I have is Jesus.... my life line, my hope, my heart.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless,
Jenn
Where does one start when her life has been one big bag of painful memories. Memories that have haunted me since I was little. Memories that I have suppressed or tried to forget about. So I will go back to where it all began.
I don't remember the first time I turned to food for comfort and love, but I know I was young. I was taught at a young age that food was the source of happiness. How? Well, when I fell down or when I cried I was usually given something to eat to make me happy. Taught that food could make you happy. Oh, I was loved by most of my family. My mom and grandad always gave me love and lots of hugs, but when I hurt, well that was different.
My sister died when I was 8 and my parents divorced two years later. All my brothers and sisters were married and my mom worked two jobs. Suddenly I was all alone. I was alone and sad. Ahhhhhh.... food. That will make me happy. And in some ways it did. But I was already an emotional eater, so when did it start? My dad was never around much. Broken promises, broken dreams. I remember some emotional abuse as well. His anger was so very scary. No, he never hit me, but he did throw a chair at me once. I loved my dad, but he hurt me. My heart was empty. Because of my Dads extra marital affairs, which everyone in our very small town knew about, I was teased and bullied in school. That started out when I was still in grade school. They soon forgot about my Dad and just kept teasing me. It got worse as I got older and in high school. I had friends, but nothing meaningful enough to call someone my "best friend". Yes, I went to sleepovers and had sleepovers, but I was still bullied. Worse the last couple of years of high school. So bad I tried to kill myself three times. And the whole time, my comfort was food. Food did not tease me, it did not bully me. It was always there and it never left me. Never broke a promise. But I did not know what I was doing to myself physically or emotionally. I only wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel love. Food became my best friend.
Diets. Tried them all. THEY DO NOT WORK!!!! Why? Because I had not resolved my past, my pain, my hurts. I never shared them. I kept them to me. Didn't want to hurt my mom. She was all I had really. So I ate more. The more I ate, the better I would feel for a time, the bigger I got, the more depressed I got, would eat some more, feel good again....... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... it was a vicious circle.
I needed more in my life. I became a Christian 18 years ago. But I was still on my emotional roller coaster. Why?? Wasn't I supposed to be healed in the name of Jesus? Well, yes, but only if I was willing to accept it. It took me 18 years to give my whole heart and whole body to Jesus. I need to take my whole past and lay it at his feet. I need to sort through the pain and take one day at a time. I need to let Jesus work on my heart and then I can work on my body.
This is the start. I know it won't be easy. I know I will struggle each day. I know I will cry, I fall, I will fail at times, but I will make it this time. Why will I make it this time? Because now I know what was missing, what is needed and what can be done. This is not a diet. This is a NEW LIFE..... learning to love who I am, come to terms with my broken past and bring myself into the light.
I can do this, I have friends and family who are cheering me on. But the one main thing I have is Jesus.... my life line, my hope, my heart.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless,
Jenn
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