As I grew heavier, my walking became a struggle. I still walked, but had to stop and rest. Take deep breaths. My legs would hurt or my back would hurt. But I kept going. It wasn't until I lost my last job a few years ago that I eventually just stopped. I grew depressed and ate more. But I could still walk short distances and I did. But then one day, I couldn't hardly make it up my own steps. I had to stop and breath. Stop and catch my balance. It grew increasingly hard to do anything even in my own apt. Then, in December of 2014, I had to finally break down and get a wheelchair just so I could go to a conference and to church. I needed a wheelchair because I could no longer hold myself upright without the fear of falling. I could not take 25 steps with out my legs screaming for mercy or my lungs needing to rest. My heart pounding in fear and in need of rest. My mind racing. I was in a bad way. I could see this. I was so scared. The only things going through my mind were wanting to die and wanting to give up. These voices were loud and I knew it was Satan telling me that I was not worth it. I knew it was Satan telling me that God no longer loved me and that I just need to give up. I literally just wanted to die. I was so embarrassed to even be out in public with wheel chair. You can not imagine the thoughts I was having. Like what were people thinking or saying about me. I cried. I cried so hard.
Walking. Walking is hard. I have to hold onto things just to get to another room. I fear that I am going to fall and then what? I don't honestly know if I could get up. I guess I could, it would be an awesome struggle. Painful too. So I fear walking. Just to stand up from my chair can be painful sometimes, using things to pull myself up. But lately I have been doing what I call 'free standing' and 'free walking'. What that is that I have to walk a certain amount of steps with out holding onto something. Get up using only my cane and nothing else. Do you know how hard that is?? I feel like an baby learning to walk again. And the pain... OH MY GOODNESS, the pain that can come with it. I hate pain. It is what makes me want to give up and not go on any more. It is the most dominate loud voice in my head. PAIN!!! Satan trying his best to get me from walking towards Jesus and His open arms. And trust me, I want to sit and not have to move. I want to feel no pain. But where does that get me. Worse off then before.
I cry... I cry so much anymore. I hate that I have done this. I hate that I listened to those LOUD voices and I hate that sometimes I still do. I hate that I hurt and that I hurt my husband. I hate what I have done to me.
But that Whisper, so light, so calm. A whisper that calls me Beloved and Beautiful. A whisper that said, "I am here, take my hand. I will walk you through this. I will walk with you. Just take my hand". And I did. I'm not going to say that those loud voices have not went away, they haven't. The devil is a sore loser. And there are days when I still want to quit. Then that whisper comes along like a gentle breeze, touching my face and my hear so gently. Oh, God, I am so sorry, please forgive my for destroying your temple.
I won't give up. But want too. I won't stop, but I want too. I just want the hurting to stop. I want to emotional ties to be severed and I want the physical pain to go away. I am fighting for my life. Jesus is fighting for me. He is my salvation. And only with Him can I win this.
Listen, if you have an eating disorder of any kind. Please, get help. Get help now, before you end up like me. Struggling to live everyday.
God Bless you all.