Can I Really Keep Doing This? Messing Up.......................

I found myself slipping up these last couple of weeks. I began to not care again. I would still eat healthy, but also unhealthy. Sadly, I even binged twice. It is not easy to admit. Not easy to face. I feel like I am backsliding some. I can blame the weather if I want, I have been trapped sort of in my apt for a few weeks. Getting out is not easy in snow and ice. My balance is not good as it is, can you see me in ice? And trying to push a wheelchair in that mess, not something anyone wants to do. So I have been sort of house bound. I can blame Ted, he has not been around much with his crazy schedule. No time for me. No, I need to blame me and my denial. Denial that nothing wrong and that I can stop and lose weight any time I want, just not today because I am happy with who I am. Yeah, and I believe that one, I could look out my window and see pigs fly. Yup.. that is me denial. And fear. Fear of facing my past and seeing who I really I am and why I am the way I am today. Afraid to face all those demons and hurts that have built up over the years. I have this wall, huge thick wall, that is around me. Not letting anyone in. Not even Ted. I have this fear that if I let Ted in, he will not like me anymore or even leave me. Fear that is eating me alive. And so my dads image comes to me and I want to scream at him. I want to yell at him and ask him why he did this to me. Why did he leave me when I was so little. Then come back, then leave again, and again and again. Why when I was 12 did he tell the bank where my savings was, that I was dead, yes, DEAD, so he could steal my savings. Why did he throw that chair at me. Why did he beat me with that belt. Why?? Why...... and yet, I still loved him and wanted to be daddy's little girl. He destroyed my room once and never said sorry. He never said sorry to me. He was never there for anything important. Once I was hit by a car and instead of seeing if I was okay, he dropped me off at the er and left to go be with one of his many girlfriends. Yes, he did that. More, but somethings, I just can not share. Can not bring myself to face maybe. 
So this is where I am today. I fell of the fence and now I am standing on the wrong side again. I don't make it easy, I won't go through the gate, afraid too. I feel like I need to climb back up on that fence and just sit there again until I am ready to jump into that pasture of beautiful green grass. But for now I am sitting in mud. And I created it with all the tears I am shedding. 
So who do I blame? Me? My past? My dad? No matter who I blame, it is not who I am. I don't want to be my past and I don't want who I am to be defined by the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. 
Starting over is not an option. I have already started, I just stepped back two or three.... or four........... (okay maybe five or six), but I can get back, I hope. Feeling lost and alone and very much closed in right now. I think warmer weather will help. To open the windows and actually sit outside and walk outside. It will do me good. I hope that Ted and I will be able to spend more time with me. I need to let him in. I need to let him help me. I'm too stubborn for my own good. Too independent. But the main thing I need to do is to let God take control of all the pain and all the hurt and let Him heal me. No more "I can do this by myself" and "I am fine" stuff. I am not fine and I can not do this myself. 
So now I must move onward and forward. Painful as it is, I must move on. Take this next moment that God has given me and heal one piece of this broken heart.