Monday, March 30, 2015

Overcoming the Fear of Falling.

Walking. To most of the world, it is just something you do. You don't think about it, you just get up and go to where you need to be. Others like to hike or take long walks. I used to love to walk. When I was younger I would go for hours in the woods behind my house. Playing and skipping, jumping streams and climbing trees. When I was a teenager, I walked in the woods to enjoy it and find a place of peacefulness. I moved to Philly in 1996 and got married and the first thing Ted did was take me on a long hike through one part of Fairmount Park. It was awesome. I even walked to and from work. Walking was a freedom that I took for granted.
As I grew heavier, my walking became a struggle. I still walked, but had to stop and rest. Take deep breaths. My legs would hurt or my back would hurt. But I kept going. It wasn't until I lost my last job a few years ago that I eventually just stopped. I grew depressed and ate more. But I could still walk short distances and I did. But then one day, I couldn't hardly make it up my own steps. I had to stop and breath. Stop and catch my balance. It grew increasingly hard to do anything even in my own apt. Then, in December of 2014, I had to finally break down and get a wheelchair just so I could go to a conference and to church. I needed a wheelchair because I could no longer hold myself upright without the fear of falling. I could not take 25 steps with out my legs screaming for mercy or my lungs needing to rest. My heart pounding in fear and in need of rest. My mind racing. I was in a bad way. I could see this. I was so scared. The only things going through my mind were wanting to die and wanting to give up. These voices were loud and I knew it was Satan telling me that I was not worth it. I knew it was Satan telling me that God no longer loved me and that I just need to give up. I literally just wanted to die. I was so embarrassed to even be out in public with wheel chair. You can not imagine the thoughts I was having. Like what were people thinking or saying about me. I cried. I cried so hard.
Walking. Walking is hard. I have to hold onto things just to get to another room. I fear that I am going to fall and then what? I don't honestly know if I could get up. I guess I could, it would be an awesome struggle. Painful too. So I fear walking. Just to stand up from my chair can be painful sometimes, using things to pull myself up. But lately I have been doing what I call 'free standing' and 'free walking'. What that is that I have to walk a certain amount of steps with out holding onto something. Get up using only my cane and nothing else. Do you know how hard that is?? I feel like an baby learning to walk again. And the pain... OH MY GOODNESS, the pain that can come with it. I hate pain. It is what makes me want to give up and not go on any more. It is the most dominate loud voice in my head. PAIN!!! Satan trying his best to get me from walking towards Jesus and His open arms. And trust me, I want to sit and not have to move. I want to feel no pain. But where does that get me. Worse off then before. 
I cry... I cry so much anymore. I hate that I have done this. I hate that I listened to those LOUD voices and I hate that sometimes I still do. I hate that I hurt and that I hurt my husband. I hate what I have done to me. 
But that Whisper, so light, so calm. A whisper that calls me Beloved and Beautiful. A whisper that said, "I am here, take my hand. I will walk you through this. I will walk with you. Just take my hand". And I did. I'm not going to say that those loud voices have not went away, they haven't. The devil is a sore loser. And there are days when I still want to quit. Then that whisper comes along like a gentle breeze, touching my face and my hear so gently. Oh, God, I am so sorry, please forgive my for destroying your temple. 
I won't give up. But want too. I won't stop, but I want too. I just want the hurting to stop. I want to emotional ties to be severed and I want the physical pain to go away. I am fighting for my life. Jesus is fighting for me. He is my salvation. And only with Him can I win this. 
Listen, if you have an eating disorder of any kind. Please, get help. Get help now, before you end up like me. Struggling to live everyday. 
God Bless you  all. 

          Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

When Your Husband has Given Up.... or Has He?

I'm fighting to survive here. Fighting to live a normal life. Fighting to walk better, breath better and eat better. I struggle with emotions daily. Sometimes the emotions are so over whelming, that it brings me to my knees and I just cry and cry. I cry out "WHY GOD?", sobbing some more "WHY HAVE YOU LET ME SUFFER SO MUCH? PLEASE, JUST TAKE THE PAIN AWAY!". What kind of pain? Well most of the time it is the kind that is so deep and so raw, you think that it will never heal. Then there are the days that the physical pain is so bad, it is all I can do to just stand up and walk to my own kitchen. And lately, I have been suffering alone. 
I started this fight with my husband and we did good together after we came home from the 'Lose it For Life' seminar. I stuck to my gun and dove straight into week two and Ted just kind of hung back a bit. Week after week, I kept mustering the strength to keep going, then one week I realized, Ted was not there with me. He stopped. Back to his old habits of big lunches, second servings, no fruit, lots of tea and coffee, no water. What happened? I thought we were doing this together. I thought you were supporting me and helping me. I thought we were a team... I thought you were going to give me hope and be there when I fell. I thought you were supposed to be leader and keep me from falling. I thought, I thought,  I thought. I think I thought it was all about me and I forgot him. I forgot to support him. Instead I critiqued him. I was supposed to encourage him, instead I ignored him. I kept this to me... it was all about me... ME!! I wanted to scream at him.. WHY DID YOU STOP HELPING ME??!? I NEED YOU TO HELP ME!!! But he stopped. He just stopped. I couldn't figure it. He wants me to lose weight, right? He wants me to be healthy, right? SO what was the problem? 
Oh.... I forgot about him. I forgot that he was wounded too. That he had a past that he needed help from. I forgot to give him encouragement. I forgot to show him that this journey was for us, not me. What have I done. Did I lose the one person who could be my biggest supporter because of my negligence? Did I push him too much when I got angry at him for over eating and not caring? What have I done? Oh... Ted, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Is it too late?
No, it is not too late. We just pick up where we lost it a few weeks ago. But this time with out the anger, with out the finger pointing, with out the guilt trips. Instead, we start each day as if it a new beginning. We give each other a chance to breath and share. I need to step back and give him what he needs. I need to support him and encourage him. Ask him why he feels the need to eat more that day, not get angry. I need to change my attitude and remember that is not about me all the time. It is about us and our marriage. It is about making this marriage whole again, one step at time. I'm not the only one in the journey. He is in it too. And he needs me as much as I need him. 
Ted, never gave up on me. I gave up on him and that was the wrong path to take. I never even realized I had done it . I was so into me, that I forgot. Love that man of mine. Love that he never stopped being there for me. Love that he still makes me that special cup of coffee each morning. Love that he tells me no when I want something I can not have. Love that he loves me enough to be the one to show me I was wrong. And I was. 
We can do this together. 
I love you, Ted..........................

Monday, March 9, 2015

Can I Really Keep Doing This? Messing Up.......................

I found myself slipping up these last couple of weeks. I began to not care again. I would still eat healthy, but also unhealthy. Sadly, I even binged twice. It is not easy to admit. Not easy to face. I feel like I am backsliding some. I can blame the weather if I want, I have been trapped sort of in my apt for a few weeks. Getting out is not easy in snow and ice. My balance is not good as it is, can you see me in ice? And trying to push a wheelchair in that mess, not something anyone wants to do. So I have been sort of house bound. I can blame Ted, he has not been around much with his crazy schedule. No time for me. No, I need to blame me and my denial. Denial that nothing wrong and that I can stop and lose weight any time I want, just not today because I am happy with who I am. Yeah, and I believe that one, I could look out my window and see pigs fly. Yup.. that is me denial. And fear. Fear of facing my past and seeing who I really I am and why I am the way I am today. Afraid to face all those demons and hurts that have built up over the years. I have this wall, huge thick wall, that is around me. Not letting anyone in. Not even Ted. I have this fear that if I let Ted in, he will not like me anymore or even leave me. Fear that is eating me alive. And so my dads image comes to me and I want to scream at him. I want to yell at him and ask him why he did this to me. Why did he leave me when I was so little. Then come back, then leave again, and again and again. Why when I was 12 did he tell the bank where my savings was, that I was dead, yes, DEAD, so he could steal my savings. Why did he throw that chair at me. Why did he beat me with that belt. Why?? Why...... and yet, I still loved him and wanted to be daddy's little girl. He destroyed my room once and never said sorry. He never said sorry to me. He was never there for anything important. Once I was hit by a car and instead of seeing if I was okay, he dropped me off at the er and left to go be with one of his many girlfriends. Yes, he did that. More, but somethings, I just can not share. Can not bring myself to face maybe. 
So this is where I am today. I fell of the fence and now I am standing on the wrong side again. I don't make it easy, I won't go through the gate, afraid too. I feel like I need to climb back up on that fence and just sit there again until I am ready to jump into that pasture of beautiful green grass. But for now I am sitting in mud. And I created it with all the tears I am shedding. 
So who do I blame? Me? My past? My dad? No matter who I blame, it is not who I am. I don't want to be my past and I don't want who I am to be defined by the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. 
Starting over is not an option. I have already started, I just stepped back two or three.... or four........... (okay maybe five or six), but I can get back, I hope. Feeling lost and alone and very much closed in right now. I think warmer weather will help. To open the windows and actually sit outside and walk outside. It will do me good. I hope that Ted and I will be able to spend more time with me. I need to let him in. I need to let him help me. I'm too stubborn for my own good. Too independent. But the main thing I need to do is to let God take control of all the pain and all the hurt and let Him heal me. No more "I can do this by myself" and "I am fine" stuff. I am not fine and I can not do this myself. 
So now I must move onward and forward. Painful as it is, I must move on. Take this next moment that God has given me and heal one piece of this broken heart. 

Friday, February 27, 2015

I Noticed Something Different...........

Okay, I admit it now, eating healthier has some really great benefits. One of them is I have been noticing that my face is clearer. Yes... less oily, less pimples, and more radiant. I know, it sounds weird, but it's true. One know something else? My hair is less oily too, and it getting some bounce back into it. Not a whole lot, but I am seeing it. Who would have thought that making some dietary changes like eating more fruits and veggies, more protein, and drinking more water would do all that? I can't wait to see what happens over the next month. I'm more determined now to make even more healthier eating habits. I mean, if I am seeing all these little changes on the outside, what is happening inside. My liver and heart must be thanking me. I don't know, my lungs must be mad at me by now, I keep making them work out pretty hard. All that hard breathing. But even that is getting a little better. Not the best, but a little. Still, it is happening. 
I could be doing better still. I keep messing up in many areas. Like yesterday, I made coffee and put a little too much sugar in it. I noticed the difference right away. Too sweet, but instead of throwing it out and making a new cup, I drank it. Made blueberry muffins and instead of eating one, I ate too. But again, I took note of this. Before, it would not faze me in the least to eat two or even three muffins. Now it bothers me. I still eat too much starch foods too. Like potatoes and breads. So during the month of March, I am going to work on that. No, I'm not going to cut them out completely, just going limit them. I love potatoes. Bread I can do with out. But like tonight, we are going to have turkey burgers. Sadly, I would eat two and that means 4 pieces of bread. My goal for tonight will be one burger two slices of bread and a nice side salad. We do eat whole grain breads, so that is plus. But still need to cut it down some. Ted and I need to work on that together. He loves PB and J sandwiches and eats a three stacker sandwich with lots of jelly and PB. Of course, I have noticed that bread is lasting just a bit longer now. Good thing too, bread is getting expensive. 
I noticed something else too. Im sleeping just a little bit better. I have pretty much cut out daytime naps. I don't need or want them. I need to sleep at night and get good rest. I still feel tired through the day, but it is getting less too. I used to wake up wanting to go right back to sleep, now I am up for several hours before that feeling comes on. Drinking a nice glass of water does help. And if doesn't, I just take a breather and try to stretch it out. 
Exercising is still a battle for me. I do it, and I always feel good afterwards, refreshed, but it still pains me. I think sometimes I push myself too hard, trying to make a difference in one day. Wanting to see instant results. That is not going to happen. I know this. Do I feel any different? Yes, I do. I really do. I do feel I am gaining some strength in my legs and back. But I have a long road ahead of me. It is a struggle to keep going. Have days where I want to just quit and not do a thing. But now I am feeling the difference, ever so slight that it is, I am seeing it and feeling it. 
I feel better inside and out. Little changes. Things that no one else would see, but me. 
So, I guess I will stick too it. I mean, who knows what I will notice next. Or maybe someone will start noticing things too. That would be nice. 
Well, I guess that means I won't be quitting today. Onward and forward. Forward to a better me. 

Thursday, February 19, 2015

It's Cheaper to by Donuts

Grocery shopping on a tight budget should be considered an art. Especially when you trying to eat healthier. And although I am trying, it is not easy. Companies like Hostess, Tasty-Cake and Frito-Lay make it very hard. Why? Because buying their products is easier and sometimes way cheaper then buying healthy foods. I love asparagus, but one bunch in the store is 4$. Buy a Lean pocket loaded with all the unhealthy fats and sugars and you get two in a box for two meals and it only costs about $3. I was a bargain shopper, coupons and all. Got things that were cheap and went far. Add a few fruits and veggies that were on sale and I was proud. We had an overload of food and I was buying healthy..... wasn't I? I stopped to read some labels and my mind was kind of blown. Some of the stuff we were eating, like progresso light soups was so high in sodium it was a wonder we didn't have strokes. Seriously. 100% wheat bread? Did not have whole wheat in it. That blew me away. So now I am looking. Looking for better bargains on the good stuff. And to my surprise, there is not that many. What do I do now? We are on a budget and we need to eat. We don't have a car, so we have groceries delivered and so we can't shop around like most people can. And so for the last 3 days, I have been reading ingredients and tweaking my grocery bill just so we can have some healthier foods, better for us foods and decent snacks that have no sugar in them. Not so easy. I have a headache from looking and reading. And I did pretty good. More than half of the grocery list is fruits, veggies and meats. Some veggies and fruits are frozen. Way cheaper. With multiple servings we can have several servings instead of just one. Bought a few things in bulk, so that I don't have to worry about buying them for a while. Like onions. Bought a big bag and I will freeze most of them. Little things. Of course I wish I had more money to more, healthier things, but I'm not buying donuts, chips or cookies. Im not buying sodas, ice teas or chocolate milk. I getting things that Ted and I can benefit from. Higher in fiber, lower in sugar and whole grains. No, it may not be perfect and I am sure a health nut would critique everything I have bought, but from where we were to where we are now, I would say we have made some pretty big steps in eating better. 
Here are some tricks that I learned. Buy your fruits and veggies that are in season. They are cheaper and more abundant. If you have to buy canned fruit, buy the ones that are in water. Canned veggies? Buy the ones that have no sodium. Buy meats on sale. Buy extra and forget the other meats you want. Maybe next time they will be on sale. And buy in bulk. Separate and freeze. Lasts longer. Buy no frills. You don't need name brand. I found that no frills and store brand are just as good, higher in bulk and cheaper. Example? Triscuits. I love them. But a 9 oz box of triscuits is 2.99$.  Store brand? 9.5 oz box for just 2.50$. It makes a difference. And they taste just as good. 
These are all just my opinions and what I have learned this week. Fresh foods is not cheap. Not by a long shot. But guess what? It is cheaper than hospital bills and losing work. Or worse.... losing your life. 
Ted and I will be joining a co-op in April. We have done this before and it can be awesome. Look into them, because they can offer a variety of cheap fresh foods for just volunteering and helping out.
So this is my discovery this week in my journey to be healthy. I learned a lot and I will use this to help Ted and I achieve our healthy eating goals. We still have a long way to go but hey... who said journeys had to be short?  

Monday, February 16, 2015

I Promise you, Ted...

"No more, it will never get easier. I hurt too much, I can't do this. God, please take me home, I don't want to live anymore, I hurt too much".
Yes, these are the words I uttered last night, along with putting myself down. I was struggling more than usual and hurting beyond words. My knee was screaming and I just wanted to give up. I wanted to quit. I almost did. Ted was trying to talk to me, I was inconsolable. I was just not ready to hear what he was saying. Eventually, I calmed down, but was still feeling worthless, stupid, ugly. I have no self esteem. I need to work on that, I know. But when you have been put down most of your life, you really do begin to believe what others think of you. My mom was the only one who who ever really cared enough to tell me I was beautiful or that I was special. Growing up was hard. Now when Ted tells me that I am special or beautiful, it is so hard to believe. And last night, it was a breaking point in my self esteem and my trust in Ted. Ted went to work, and I sat in my chair just feeling like I was not worth anymore effort. I really just wanted to die. I felt no one would miss me or care that I was gone. Who would miss the fat girl. I know I would not miss the pain. I just wanted to be feel good again. Do the things I used to do. I used to take my grocery cart on a bus go shopping, come home and pull my full cart up my steps. Yes, I did that. Now I can't. I miss those days when Ted and I could take buses or trains and do things together. I miss that. My heart breaks thinking of it. I feel like I have ruined Ted's life. That he deserves better. In fact I think I have convinced myself that Ted would be happier with out me. That he could be out doing things with someone else. Doing things I can't do. I love Ted so much. He is all I have, but yet I would give it all up so he could be happy. So last night, I let it all out and told him how I feel. What I was thinking and told he could be happier with out me. 
I was getting ready for bed, it was about 11:30 and the phone rang. Ted. He sounded sad and then he said the words that made such a difference. "Please don't give up, I need you". What?? He needed me? How? Why? I'm nobody special. "I love you, you are special, we take one day at a time. We can do this".  I started to cry. "Please, don't give up".  And so I promised him. I promised him that I would not give up and that I would keep going. I now know that I have much to live for and someone to live for. And that someone wants me to live for them. 
Today I looked at my cats and realized that they need me too. And I need them. I need to live, love and embrace life. I need to learn that I am special, but that will take some doing. 
So how do build my self esteem and feel better about who I am. I am taking this journey to improve my life, not just my body. So tell me, how to let o of the hurt and pain from a childhood that I want to forget?  I know one thing I need to do, I need to trust God more. But, quite honestly, I feel unworthy of His love. I am scared... I mean everyone I have ever loved has either left me or died. Why should I love anyone to get hurt more. Because love is worth it. Love is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for. 
Yes, Ted.... I promise you. I promise that I will not give up. I promise to see myself differently, but it will take time to myself as you see me. But I promise..... 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

This is My Day...

I just hope that all I am sharing in this next blog will maybe touch someone heart to not pick up that next piece of pizza or eat that big piece of cake. For if what I know now, I could have known then, I think my life would be easier.
Some people can just bounce out of bed and get going. But for me it is a struggle. After laying all night, my back does not want to cooperate and my neither do my legs. They scream for me to just lay there. But I get up and I sometimes cry. But now I am up. I struggle to get dressed and get things done so I can start my day. Coffee in hand I try to stretch out the kinks and pains. I refuse to take any pain meds unless I hurt so bad I can't take it. Walking around my apt can be trying, sometimes I feel like I am going to fall, my balance is not the best. But I get where I am going. Breakfast is done and so now I need to get dishes done. Since I can not stand long term, I pull a chair up to the sink and wash my dishes. I put them away and get dinner out of the freezer to thaw. I make my way to the bathroom and straighten it up, sometime sitting on the edge of the tub just so I can get it done with out hurting. On to the living room and into my chair. For some people this might take you about half hour or so, but for me it takes a little over an hour. And I will sit and cry. Cry to God and just beg for an easier day tomorrow.
Lunch time and so I need to get up and get to the kitchen. I make a light lunch, clean up and fill my water bottle. If this is an exercise day, I will pull my chair out and put on my DVD and go for it. It hurts, but I struggle through it. Once done, I feel proud, but I can hardly get up. More water and off to the living room to relax and do homework or read. If clothes have been washed, I will fold and put them away. Maybe vacuum the living room. Now that is a struggle. It takes me forever... cause I have to keep sitting to take breaks. But I get it done.
Time for dinner. I cook dinner. Eat and clean up. By this time I am exhausted and in so much pain that all I can do is sit and relax.
Bed time. Struggle to the bedroom and get in bed. Lay there wondering if I will get any sleep tonight, will my body let me? Some nights are better then others.
This is my day.
This what I have done to me. I can blame everyone around me. I can blame my dad and my family and childhood bullying, but in the end it was me who put the food in my mouth. Instead of seeking help when I knew it was wrong, I still chose food. I chose food over my life, my family, my marriage and even God. I chose food. But now I want to choose life. Choose my marriage. Choose my family and most of all choose God.
I choose to live. I have placed my life in God's hands, but I still have to do it.
So everyday I struggle to get better. I live in pain until I can be pain free.
So before you choose to take that next bite of food for comfort.... look at me and say NO MORE!! I choose life.
This goes for drugs and alcohol too. It is all the same. You are abusing your beautiful body that God gave you. Get help and keep fighting to LIVE!