Okay, I admit it now, eating healthier has some really great benefits. One of them is I have been noticing that my face is clearer. Yes... less oily, less pimples, and more radiant. I know, it sounds weird, but it's true. One know something else? My hair is less oily too, and it getting some bounce back into it. Not a whole lot, but I am seeing it. Who would have thought that making some dietary changes like eating more fruits and veggies, more protein, and drinking more water would do all that? I can't wait to see what happens over the next month. I'm more determined now to make even more healthier eating habits. I mean, if I am seeing all these little changes on the outside, what is happening inside. My liver and heart must be thanking me. I don't know, my lungs must be mad at me by now, I keep making them work out pretty hard. All that hard breathing. But even that is getting a little better. Not the best, but a little. Still, it is happening.
I could be doing better still. I keep messing up in many areas. Like yesterday, I made coffee and put a little too much sugar in it. I noticed the difference right away. Too sweet, but instead of throwing it out and making a new cup, I drank it. Made blueberry muffins and instead of eating one, I ate too. But again, I took note of this. Before, it would not faze me in the least to eat two or even three muffins. Now it bothers me. I still eat too much starch foods too. Like potatoes and breads. So during the month of March, I am going to work on that. No, I'm not going to cut them out completely, just going limit them. I love potatoes. Bread I can do with out. But like tonight, we are going to have turkey burgers. Sadly, I would eat two and that means 4 pieces of bread. My goal for tonight will be one burger two slices of bread and a nice side salad. We do eat whole grain breads, so that is plus. But still need to cut it down some. Ted and I need to work on that together. He loves PB and J sandwiches and eats a three stacker sandwich with lots of jelly and PB. Of course, I have noticed that bread is lasting just a bit longer now. Good thing too, bread is getting expensive.
I noticed something else too. Im sleeping just a little bit better. I have pretty much cut out daytime naps. I don't need or want them. I need to sleep at night and get good rest. I still feel tired through the day, but it is getting less too. I used to wake up wanting to go right back to sleep, now I am up for several hours before that feeling comes on. Drinking a nice glass of water does help. And if doesn't, I just take a breather and try to stretch it out.
Exercising is still a battle for me. I do it, and I always feel good afterwards, refreshed, but it still pains me. I think sometimes I push myself too hard, trying to make a difference in one day. Wanting to see instant results. That is not going to happen. I know this. Do I feel any different? Yes, I do. I really do. I do feel I am gaining some strength in my legs and back. But I have a long road ahead of me. It is a struggle to keep going. Have days where I want to just quit and not do a thing. But now I am feeling the difference, ever so slight that it is, I am seeing it and feeling it.
I feel better inside and out. Little changes. Things that no one else would see, but me.
So, I guess I will stick too it. I mean, who knows what I will notice next. Or maybe someone will start noticing things too. That would be nice.
Well, I guess that means I won't be quitting today. Onward and forward. Forward to a better me.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
It's Cheaper to by Donuts
Grocery shopping on a tight budget should be considered an art. Especially when you trying to eat healthier. And although I am trying, it is not easy. Companies like Hostess, Tasty-Cake and Frito-Lay make it very hard. Why? Because buying their products is easier and sometimes way cheaper then buying healthy foods. I love asparagus, but one bunch in the store is 4$. Buy a Lean pocket loaded with all the unhealthy fats and sugars and you get two in a box for two meals and it only costs about $3. I was a bargain shopper, coupons and all. Got things that were cheap and went far. Add a few fruits and veggies that were on sale and I was proud. We had an overload of food and I was buying healthy..... wasn't I? I stopped to read some labels and my mind was kind of blown. Some of the stuff we were eating, like progresso light soups was so high in sodium it was a wonder we didn't have strokes. Seriously. 100% wheat bread? Did not have whole wheat in it. That blew me away. So now I am looking. Looking for better bargains on the good stuff. And to my surprise, there is not that many. What do I do now? We are on a budget and we need to eat. We don't have a car, so we have groceries delivered and so we can't shop around like most people can. And so for the last 3 days, I have been reading ingredients and tweaking my grocery bill just so we can have some healthier foods, better for us foods and decent snacks that have no sugar in them. Not so easy. I have a headache from looking and reading. And I did pretty good. More than half of the grocery list is fruits, veggies and meats. Some veggies and fruits are frozen. Way cheaper. With multiple servings we can have several servings instead of just one. Bought a few things in bulk, so that I don't have to worry about buying them for a while. Like onions. Bought a big bag and I will freeze most of them. Little things. Of course I wish I had more money to more, healthier things, but I'm not buying donuts, chips or cookies. Im not buying sodas, ice teas or chocolate milk. I getting things that Ted and I can benefit from. Higher in fiber, lower in sugar and whole grains. No, it may not be perfect and I am sure a health nut would critique everything I have bought, but from where we were to where we are now, I would say we have made some pretty big steps in eating better.
Here are some tricks that I learned. Buy your fruits and veggies that are in season. They are cheaper and more abundant. If you have to buy canned fruit, buy the ones that are in water. Canned veggies? Buy the ones that have no sodium. Buy meats on sale. Buy extra and forget the other meats you want. Maybe next time they will be on sale. And buy in bulk. Separate and freeze. Lasts longer. Buy no frills. You don't need name brand. I found that no frills and store brand are just as good, higher in bulk and cheaper. Example? Triscuits. I love them. But a 9 oz box of triscuits is 2.99$. Store brand? 9.5 oz box for just 2.50$. It makes a difference. And they taste just as good.
These are all just my opinions and what I have learned this week. Fresh foods is not cheap. Not by a long shot. But guess what? It is cheaper than hospital bills and losing work. Or worse.... losing your life.
Ted and I will be joining a co-op in April. We have done this before and it can be awesome. Look into them, because they can offer a variety of cheap fresh foods for just volunteering and helping out.
So this is my discovery this week in my journey to be healthy. I learned a lot and I will use this to help Ted and I achieve our healthy eating goals. We still have a long way to go but hey... who said journeys had to be short?
Here are some tricks that I learned. Buy your fruits and veggies that are in season. They are cheaper and more abundant. If you have to buy canned fruit, buy the ones that are in water. Canned veggies? Buy the ones that have no sodium. Buy meats on sale. Buy extra and forget the other meats you want. Maybe next time they will be on sale. And buy in bulk. Separate and freeze. Lasts longer. Buy no frills. You don't need name brand. I found that no frills and store brand are just as good, higher in bulk and cheaper. Example? Triscuits. I love them. But a 9 oz box of triscuits is 2.99$. Store brand? 9.5 oz box for just 2.50$. It makes a difference. And they taste just as good.
These are all just my opinions and what I have learned this week. Fresh foods is not cheap. Not by a long shot. But guess what? It is cheaper than hospital bills and losing work. Or worse.... losing your life.
Ted and I will be joining a co-op in April. We have done this before and it can be awesome. Look into them, because they can offer a variety of cheap fresh foods for just volunteering and helping out.
So this is my discovery this week in my journey to be healthy. I learned a lot and I will use this to help Ted and I achieve our healthy eating goals. We still have a long way to go but hey... who said journeys had to be short?
Monday, February 16, 2015
I Promise you, Ted...
"No more, it will never get easier. I hurt too much, I can't do this. God, please take me home, I don't want to live anymore, I hurt too much".
Yes, these are the words I uttered last night, along with putting myself down. I was struggling more than usual and hurting beyond words. My knee was screaming and I just wanted to give up. I wanted to quit. I almost did. Ted was trying to talk to me, I was inconsolable. I was just not ready to hear what he was saying. Eventually, I calmed down, but was still feeling worthless, stupid, ugly. I have no self esteem. I need to work on that, I know. But when you have been put down most of your life, you really do begin to believe what others think of you. My mom was the only one who who ever really cared enough to tell me I was beautiful or that I was special. Growing up was hard. Now when Ted tells me that I am special or beautiful, it is so hard to believe. And last night, it was a breaking point in my self esteem and my trust in Ted. Ted went to work, and I sat in my chair just feeling like I was not worth anymore effort. I really just wanted to die. I felt no one would miss me or care that I was gone. Who would miss the fat girl. I know I would not miss the pain. I just wanted to be feel good again. Do the things I used to do. I used to take my grocery cart on a bus go shopping, come home and pull my full cart up my steps. Yes, I did that. Now I can't. I miss those days when Ted and I could take buses or trains and do things together. I miss that. My heart breaks thinking of it. I feel like I have ruined Ted's life. That he deserves better. In fact I think I have convinced myself that Ted would be happier with out me. That he could be out doing things with someone else. Doing things I can't do. I love Ted so much. He is all I have, but yet I would give it all up so he could be happy. So last night, I let it all out and told him how I feel. What I was thinking and told he could be happier with out me.
I was getting ready for bed, it was about 11:30 and the phone rang. Ted. He sounded sad and then he said the words that made such a difference. "Please don't give up, I need you". What?? He needed me? How? Why? I'm nobody special. "I love you, you are special, we take one day at a time. We can do this". I started to cry. "Please, don't give up". And so I promised him. I promised him that I would not give up and that I would keep going. I now know that I have much to live for and someone to live for. And that someone wants me to live for them.
Today I looked at my cats and realized that they need me too. And I need them. I need to live, love and embrace life. I need to learn that I am special, but that will take some doing.
So how do build my self esteem and feel better about who I am. I am taking this journey to improve my life, not just my body. So tell me, how to let o of the hurt and pain from a childhood that I want to forget? I know one thing I need to do, I need to trust God more. But, quite honestly, I feel unworthy of His love. I am scared... I mean everyone I have ever loved has either left me or died. Why should I love anyone to get hurt more. Because love is worth it. Love is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for.
Yes, Ted.... I promise you. I promise that I will not give up. I promise to see myself differently, but it will take time to myself as you see me. But I promise.....
Yes, these are the words I uttered last night, along with putting myself down. I was struggling more than usual and hurting beyond words. My knee was screaming and I just wanted to give up. I wanted to quit. I almost did. Ted was trying to talk to me, I was inconsolable. I was just not ready to hear what he was saying. Eventually, I calmed down, but was still feeling worthless, stupid, ugly. I have no self esteem. I need to work on that, I know. But when you have been put down most of your life, you really do begin to believe what others think of you. My mom was the only one who who ever really cared enough to tell me I was beautiful or that I was special. Growing up was hard. Now when Ted tells me that I am special or beautiful, it is so hard to believe. And last night, it was a breaking point in my self esteem and my trust in Ted. Ted went to work, and I sat in my chair just feeling like I was not worth anymore effort. I really just wanted to die. I felt no one would miss me or care that I was gone. Who would miss the fat girl. I know I would not miss the pain. I just wanted to be feel good again. Do the things I used to do. I used to take my grocery cart on a bus go shopping, come home and pull my full cart up my steps. Yes, I did that. Now I can't. I miss those days when Ted and I could take buses or trains and do things together. I miss that. My heart breaks thinking of it. I feel like I have ruined Ted's life. That he deserves better. In fact I think I have convinced myself that Ted would be happier with out me. That he could be out doing things with someone else. Doing things I can't do. I love Ted so much. He is all I have, but yet I would give it all up so he could be happy. So last night, I let it all out and told him how I feel. What I was thinking and told he could be happier with out me.
I was getting ready for bed, it was about 11:30 and the phone rang. Ted. He sounded sad and then he said the words that made such a difference. "Please don't give up, I need you". What?? He needed me? How? Why? I'm nobody special. "I love you, you are special, we take one day at a time. We can do this". I started to cry. "Please, don't give up". And so I promised him. I promised him that I would not give up and that I would keep going. I now know that I have much to live for and someone to live for. And that someone wants me to live for them.
Today I looked at my cats and realized that they need me too. And I need them. I need to live, love and embrace life. I need to learn that I am special, but that will take some doing.
So how do build my self esteem and feel better about who I am. I am taking this journey to improve my life, not just my body. So tell me, how to let o of the hurt and pain from a childhood that I want to forget? I know one thing I need to do, I need to trust God more. But, quite honestly, I feel unworthy of His love. I am scared... I mean everyone I have ever loved has either left me or died. Why should I love anyone to get hurt more. Because love is worth it. Love is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for.
Yes, Ted.... I promise you. I promise that I will not give up. I promise to see myself differently, but it will take time to myself as you see me. But I promise.....
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
This is My Day...
I just hope that all I am sharing in this next blog will maybe touch someone heart to not pick up that next piece of pizza or eat that big piece of cake. For if what I know now, I could have known then, I think my life would be easier.
Some people can just bounce out of bed and get going. But for me it is a struggle. After laying all night, my back does not want to cooperate and my neither do my legs. They scream for me to just lay there. But I get up and I sometimes cry. But now I am up. I struggle to get dressed and get things done so I can start my day. Coffee in hand I try to stretch out the kinks and pains. I refuse to take any pain meds unless I hurt so bad I can't take it. Walking around my apt can be trying, sometimes I feel like I am going to fall, my balance is not the best. But I get where I am going. Breakfast is done and so now I need to get dishes done. Since I can not stand long term, I pull a chair up to the sink and wash my dishes. I put them away and get dinner out of the freezer to thaw. I make my way to the bathroom and straighten it up, sometime sitting on the edge of the tub just so I can get it done with out hurting. On to the living room and into my chair. For some people this might take you about half hour or so, but for me it takes a little over an hour. And I will sit and cry. Cry to God and just beg for an easier day tomorrow.
Lunch time and so I need to get up and get to the kitchen. I make a light lunch, clean up and fill my water bottle. If this is an exercise day, I will pull my chair out and put on my DVD and go for it. It hurts, but I struggle through it. Once done, I feel proud, but I can hardly get up. More water and off to the living room to relax and do homework or read. If clothes have been washed, I will fold and put them away. Maybe vacuum the living room. Now that is a struggle. It takes me forever... cause I have to keep sitting to take breaks. But I get it done.
Time for dinner. I cook dinner. Eat and clean up. By this time I am exhausted and in so much pain that all I can do is sit and relax.
Bed time. Struggle to the bedroom and get in bed. Lay there wondering if I will get any sleep tonight, will my body let me? Some nights are better then others.
This is my day.
This what I have done to me. I can blame everyone around me. I can blame my dad and my family and childhood bullying, but in the end it was me who put the food in my mouth. Instead of seeking help when I knew it was wrong, I still chose food. I chose food over my life, my family, my marriage and even God. I chose food. But now I want to choose life. Choose my marriage. Choose my family and most of all choose God.
I choose to live. I have placed my life in God's hands, but I still have to do it.
So everyday I struggle to get better. I live in pain until I can be pain free.
So before you choose to take that next bite of food for comfort.... look at me and say NO MORE!! I choose life.
This goes for drugs and alcohol too. It is all the same. You are abusing your beautiful body that God gave you. Get help and keep fighting to LIVE!
Some people can just bounce out of bed and get going. But for me it is a struggle. After laying all night, my back does not want to cooperate and my neither do my legs. They scream for me to just lay there. But I get up and I sometimes cry. But now I am up. I struggle to get dressed and get things done so I can start my day. Coffee in hand I try to stretch out the kinks and pains. I refuse to take any pain meds unless I hurt so bad I can't take it. Walking around my apt can be trying, sometimes I feel like I am going to fall, my balance is not the best. But I get where I am going. Breakfast is done and so now I need to get dishes done. Since I can not stand long term, I pull a chair up to the sink and wash my dishes. I put them away and get dinner out of the freezer to thaw. I make my way to the bathroom and straighten it up, sometime sitting on the edge of the tub just so I can get it done with out hurting. On to the living room and into my chair. For some people this might take you about half hour or so, but for me it takes a little over an hour. And I will sit and cry. Cry to God and just beg for an easier day tomorrow.
Lunch time and so I need to get up and get to the kitchen. I make a light lunch, clean up and fill my water bottle. If this is an exercise day, I will pull my chair out and put on my DVD and go for it. It hurts, but I struggle through it. Once done, I feel proud, but I can hardly get up. More water and off to the living room to relax and do homework or read. If clothes have been washed, I will fold and put them away. Maybe vacuum the living room. Now that is a struggle. It takes me forever... cause I have to keep sitting to take breaks. But I get it done.
Time for dinner. I cook dinner. Eat and clean up. By this time I am exhausted and in so much pain that all I can do is sit and relax.
Bed time. Struggle to the bedroom and get in bed. Lay there wondering if I will get any sleep tonight, will my body let me? Some nights are better then others.
This is my day.
This what I have done to me. I can blame everyone around me. I can blame my dad and my family and childhood bullying, but in the end it was me who put the food in my mouth. Instead of seeking help when I knew it was wrong, I still chose food. I chose food over my life, my family, my marriage and even God. I chose food. But now I want to choose life. Choose my marriage. Choose my family and most of all choose God.
I choose to live. I have placed my life in God's hands, but I still have to do it.
So everyday I struggle to get better. I live in pain until I can be pain free.
So before you choose to take that next bite of food for comfort.... look at me and say NO MORE!! I choose life.
This goes for drugs and alcohol too. It is all the same. You are abusing your beautiful body that God gave you. Get help and keep fighting to LIVE!
Saturday, February 7, 2015
It Is Not Always Easy, It Is Not Always Hard.
I hate the term 'No Pain, No Gain'. What does that mean really? Hurt yourself to the point of giving up? Or worse, hurting yourself to point of the wrong kind of pain? What am I gaining then? Nothing. You see, I am in constant pain, so I can't tell sometimes when it is the right time to stop or how much further I can go, so I go until I feel like it is time to stop. And today I feel like I need to stop and take a break. I worked out twice this past week and Thursday I was in and out of a mini van several times and that takes a toll on my legs. Yes, getting in and out of car hurts. But also walking up my steps afterward is even more of a struggle. And then today, back onto a mini van and out and in and out again, then up my steps. Im done. My pain level is telling me that I need a break. Why am I sharing this, because this is my life. This is how I live, struggling every single day to just have a life. Once I am in my apartment, I am in my safe zone. I can sit in my chair and relax. But I know I can't sit there all day, I need to move and I need to do things, but for the next two days, I will not be pushing myself because I don't want to hurt myself either.
I feel good though. If I say walking up my steps today was a little easier for me then that is a good thing. But today I took a break on the cement steps before coming up the steps to my apartment. On Thursday I did not stop I pushed myself up all the steps without stopping. I was cold and it was cold outside so that was a motivation, but to know I could do it was something of an achievement on my part. But I am proud of myself because I see improvement in all I am doing physically. But it still hurts and I still struggle painfully to do anything. But it is a pinch better. Enough to show me that I am getting better and I can do this.
Went to a dinner tonight at our chapel. I was so proud of myself. I turned away my mashed potatoes and the rice and stuck to the meat and vegetables. AND when desert was served, I had one little spoon of ice cream and NO cake. Had coffee and water. I felt very good. I did not over do it and when I came home I had a cutie orange. I am not craving foods like I used to. Oh don't get me wrong, put it in front of me and I will devour it, but I'm not craving it. Not wanting to have chocolate or cookies or pizza like I did before. I still get my emotional bouts, I am sure for a long time I will, but it is getting a little more easier. I feel Jesus working on me and in me. I feel like a new person.
2 Corinthians 5:17 ~ "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creations; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Everyday is a struggle physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But today, it was just a tiny bit easier.
I feel good though. If I say walking up my steps today was a little easier for me then that is a good thing. But today I took a break on the cement steps before coming up the steps to my apartment. On Thursday I did not stop I pushed myself up all the steps without stopping. I was cold and it was cold outside so that was a motivation, but to know I could do it was something of an achievement on my part. But I am proud of myself because I see improvement in all I am doing physically. But it still hurts and I still struggle painfully to do anything. But it is a pinch better. Enough to show me that I am getting better and I can do this.
Went to a dinner tonight at our chapel. I was so proud of myself. I turned away my mashed potatoes and the rice and stuck to the meat and vegetables. AND when desert was served, I had one little spoon of ice cream and NO cake. Had coffee and water. I felt very good. I did not over do it and when I came home I had a cutie orange. I am not craving foods like I used to. Oh don't get me wrong, put it in front of me and I will devour it, but I'm not craving it. Not wanting to have chocolate or cookies or pizza like I did before. I still get my emotional bouts, I am sure for a long time I will, but it is getting a little more easier. I feel Jesus working on me and in me. I feel like a new person.
2 Corinthians 5:17 ~ "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creations; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Everyday is a struggle physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But today, it was just a tiny bit easier.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
A New Week; LET'S GO!!!
I never thought I would be blogging my weight loss journey. For that matter I never thought I would be telling the whole world I'm obese and I need a wheel chair to get around at times. But I can not and will not let fear control who or what I am anymore. I am learning to spread my wings and fly. My take off will be bumpy and I will probably crash, but once I am up there, I will soar. Isaiah 41:31 "But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They
shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary,They shall walk and not faint." I am getting stronger and today I showed myself how much.
Our driveway is a hill, not too steep, but enough that it can be a struggle to get up. So upon getting home, Ted got my wheel chair out and I got out of the van and and instead of waiting for Ted as he unlocked the doors and took up our bags, I pushed backwards, up this incline using all the muscle strength I had, up my driveway to the steps. Got out the chair and sat for a minute while Ted put the chair away and then continued up 7 cement steps to the first door and 13 steps to my apt door..... the best thing is I did not stop to really take a break, I kept going. You may not think that this is nothing, but for someone my size, it is a hurdle and defeat. I did that. I accomplished this. Hoping that soon I will be WALKING up my driveway. I will do that. I will.
My struggles are great and I my pain is great, but my God is stronger and He is my everlasting strength.
Ted has been exceptional in all of this. I am so Blessed to have him.
Well, I am ready for this week and all the challenges, struggles and even heartache it may bring. Each day will be a process of getting up and moving, but I know that I can and will do this.
My goals for this week is:
One~~to do four workouts this week
Two~~drink more water
Three~~spend more time with God
Four~~cut back on the PB (Im relying on it too much)
Five~~Go up and down my steps, just because I need too at least three times
So these are my goals and here is hoping that I can accomplish them or at least attempt them and no matter what I will be proud of what I did.
Dinner at my Chapel on Saturday.... need to get myself disciplined.
Onward and forward.
LOVE and HUGS!!!
shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary,They shall walk and not faint." I am getting stronger and today I showed myself how much.
Our driveway is a hill, not too steep, but enough that it can be a struggle to get up. So upon getting home, Ted got my wheel chair out and I got out of the van and and instead of waiting for Ted as he unlocked the doors and took up our bags, I pushed backwards, up this incline using all the muscle strength I had, up my driveway to the steps. Got out the chair and sat for a minute while Ted put the chair away and then continued up 7 cement steps to the first door and 13 steps to my apt door..... the best thing is I did not stop to really take a break, I kept going. You may not think that this is nothing, but for someone my size, it is a hurdle and defeat. I did that. I accomplished this. Hoping that soon I will be WALKING up my driveway. I will do that. I will.
My struggles are great and I my pain is great, but my God is stronger and He is my everlasting strength.
Ted has been exceptional in all of this. I am so Blessed to have him.
Well, I am ready for this week and all the challenges, struggles and even heartache it may bring. Each day will be a process of getting up and moving, but I know that I can and will do this.
My goals for this week is:
One~~to do four workouts this week
Two~~drink more water
Three~~spend more time with God
Four~~cut back on the PB (Im relying on it too much)
Five~~Go up and down my steps, just because I need too at least three times
So these are my goals and here is hoping that I can accomplish them or at least attempt them and no matter what I will be proud of what I did.
Dinner at my Chapel on Saturday.... need to get myself disciplined.
Onward and forward.
LOVE and HUGS!!!
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